(For this article take whatever resonates whether you are masculine or feminine. I feel that we all have some wounds of both the masculine and feminine inside of ourselves).
I would say that most people's goal in life is to be at peace. We may think we have goals for different things, but in truth what every goal, desire, dream boils down to is wanting to achieve a feeling of peace from achieving or manifestating that goal. Happiness, love, joy - these emotions all bring us a feeling of peace.
Co-dependency keeps us stuck in fear. We cannot be at peace as long as we are co-dependent. It's not about being with our twin flame and then we suddenly feel at peace. It will be momentary at best if we haven't found the peace first within ourselves. As long as the wounds of abandonment and rejection which often lead to co-dependency have not be healed then we will always feel on edge, fearful that things could fall apart at any moment and we would be left with that emptiness again, that loss, the wounds triggered all over again - back to square one. That's why it's vital to heal these wounds ourselves, not just so we can unite with our twin flame, but more importantly, so we can feel peace no matter what - that is you soul's main priority.
When it comes to twin flame connections many twins hold on too tightly for a sense of emotional security or validation. We begin to feel that we need this connection and our twin flame to make us feel loved, special, understood, less lonely - whatever emotions weren't fulfilled in childhood. In co-dependency the twin becomes the source of love that we so desperately needed as children but never received. They become the reflection of everything we need to give to ourselves. Whatever we value about our twin flame and the connection, or whatver we are wanting from them are the very things we need to give to / do for ourselves first.
This helps us to become the vibration we need to be in order to attract these very things on the outside too. But that's not the real point. The real point is to give yourself this love simply so you know you can be at peace no matter what is going on externally. If we are trying to heal just to get our twin to come back to us in union then we are missing the point. It's about our soul growth, our own personal power to remember we have total peace inside of us - all we have to do is unlock it through self-love.
So how do we release co-dependency?
We need to give ourselves permission to allow the possibility that reunion won't happen. If that statement fills you with intense fear and you simply cannot allow that idea to enter your mind then it shows you are in resistance, you are fearful of losing your twin because you believe that you need him / her to be happy / fulfilled / whole / at peace. But the very fact of holding onto this limiting belief that happiness comes from outside of yourself is the very thing which keeps you from finding that happiness / fulfillment / wholeness / peace within, right now - there's no peace of mind when we try to build firm foundations upon other people's shoulders or external situations that could change at any moment.
If you are holding on too tightly to the idea that happiness can only be found from outside of yourself then it is a sign that you aren't happy enough in your own life or within yourself at this time.
If you are resisting the acceptance of the idea that perhaps reunion won't happen then you are avoiding your biggest fears and allowing them to remain and fester inside of you. This is keeping you locked in the fear vibration which is a low vibration and blocks you from rising up to align with the vibration of love. This means you cannot see that love is inside of you but also it blocks you from being able to receive love. Isn't this a beautiful paradox? The universe forces us to love ourselves first so then we can also attract love on the outside as the cherry on top.
The whole point of the other twin is to highlight to us what we need to love about ourselves, what we need to give to ourselves and provide for ourselves. It's their job to dissappoint our outdated expectations so we can bust through them. There's no point blaming your twin or trying to make them feel bad for the job they are SUPPOSED to play. Now this is not an excuse to put up with poor behaviour or abuse and it's equally not an excuse to treat your twin badly either, coz that's like punching someone in the face then saying to them "You must have attracted this - I'm just the universe's messenger to help you learn something!" We must be responsible for our own actions and try to be love wherever possible.
Yes, sometimes we do attract real love when we aren't fully loving ourselves. It could be in the form of a soulmate or even our twin flame. But these connections cannot be sustained in a healthy way unless we then begin to love ourselves to find that harmony within and thus have it reflected outwardly in the long run. This is like the proverbial carrot on a stick to inspire us to do the inner work until we reach the point of realizing it's not about getting the carrot of love and then being happy, it's about realizing the love is inside of us. We never get the carrot of love through chasing it, it keeps being at a distance just out of reach. Eventually we stop and realize that it's trying to teach us a bigger lesson - that love comes from inside of us, we don't have to chase things as this only pushes them away. When we stop playing that game then that's when the real magic happens. We see things more clearly, we love ourselves more and take responsibility for our own happiness. Whatever we become we attract.
The way to liberate ourselves from co-dependency and all the fears and wounds which create that, is to truthfully look at all of those wounds and fears and giving up the fantasy that someone other than ourselves can "fix" them. It simply never works in the long run. Wouldn't it be better to create sustainable wholeness within so the external and never-ending search for something to fix our wounds can come to an end and we can simply be love and receive love from ourselves and our reflections?
Co-dependency is a sign that we are buying into the illusion of separation - that we are separate from love, peace and joy so we must search for it externally. But avoiding our biggest fear that there's a possibility that reunion won't happen is keeping us locked in this karmic cycle and attracting the same outcomes.
If you would like a more in depth look into your wounds and blocks and how to heal and codependency then I would be happy to give you a detailed reading. Book a reading with me here
There's some important questions we need to ask ourselves...
What would my life look like if reunion wasn't going to happen? Have I neglected some areas of my life because I was holding out for reunion to happen? Did I waste some of my days / weeks / months / years in some way because I was putting my life on hold waiting for reunion? Am I giving myself permission to live my own life in this present moment? What would I do to create happiness in my life right now if I knew for sure that reunion wasn't going to happen? Would I be doing things differently? Living my life differently? Would I be appreciating my life more?
This doesn't mean giving up on your connection, but simply seeing if you could be living your life in a way that is more fulfilling right now instead of waiting for life to begin when reunion occurs. This does not necessarily mean dating others because if this is your true twin flame then often dating others would not be your truth anymore, it just wouldn't feel right deep down.
I'm sure many of you reading this have experienced a setback or disappointment in this connection which really woke you up to the fact that you had been sitting around twiddling your thumbs and ignoring your own life, holding out for reunion. It often feels like a slap around the face and you feel anger and resentment, mostly at yourself for feeling like a fool for putting yourself on hold. But how many times, once you've overcome the initial feelings of disappointment, have you gone straight back to putting yourself on hold again, waiting for things to change when in reality they can't change if we haven't changed our perspective or energy vibration into loving ourselves more.
The so called "separation stage" is really our soul's way of learning to love ourselves more and create our own lives so we aren't giving away our power and putting our lives on hold. It's a time of realisation that we can have all of our needs met within.
But this isn't about swinging over to the other extreme of being totally independent with an "I don't need anyone" attitude - that's an imbalance in the opposite direction which is often what the masculine twin flames are taught by society to align with. The masculine are taught that they will be rejected if they get too close / intimate / vulnerable / emotional etc and so they avoid that. The feminine are taught that they are undesirable if a man doesn't love them, if they aren't in a committed relationship with a man, that they have failed if they haven't created a happy relationship, that they need a man and a relationship in order to be fulfilled / safe / desirable / loveable / successful etc. They feel they are rejected if they don't have the man and the relationship.
Similarly, men are taught to be in the present moment, have fun, not have commitments etc which leads to a fear of intimacy and commitment as it threatens to take away their freedom (if the old paradigms are still at play). In truth, TRUE unconditional love is liberating. But if our twin flame masculine is running it may be because of our co-dependent tendencies are not only imprisoning ourselves but are threatening to take away his freedom too. This is often only part of the reason for running. The other aspect is the masculine running from himself, running from being vulnerable and open to rejection or abandonment.
Women are taught to secure a future, live for the future, commit, and forget to live in the present moment etc which makes us waste our life and not appreciate what we already have. If the masculine has particularly strong fears of intimacy because they fear their true self will be rejected then this can trigger the feminine's co-dependancy even more.
Both the masculine and feminine have wounds of abandonment and rejection that need healing equally and these are the very wounds twin flames are here to dispell of so it makes sense to start healing them rather than trying to box this connection into those old paradigms - it ain't gunna happen.
This isn't about giving up on your connection. It's totally about giving up on the NEED to have the connection. It's totally okay to want it, but it's a fine line between wanting and needing. Examine your life to see if you are feeling a lot of fear around your connection or if you are feeling resentment for "waiting" (putting your life on hold). If you are feeling these emotions then it's a sign that you are NEEDING your twin rather than wanting him / her.
Work on wanting and not needing. What you do NEED is to love yourself first, fall in love with your life, commit to your happiness. And then we don't need anything, we only want that cherry on top.
As always, Love and Light on your journey!