I am writing this article in the hopes to help some of you who may be struggling to understand the difficulties your twin flame may be going through in their awakening and in your connection. A lot of people consider me to be quite awake and aligned with my truth, but there is still a long way to go and it may surprise some people the fears and struggles I have been through along the way. The aim of my article is to help you realize that I didn't get to this level of awakening I am currently at very easily or quickly. I want to shed light on my personal awakening journey in the hopes that it might give you more understanding and compassion for your twin's and your own struggles and processes on this path of ever increasing enlightenment.
The Initial Disconnect
I can't remember the exact moment when I first felt I'd been unplugged from the matrix but it happened around 13 years ago. I do remember feeling like everything had changed somehow in the blink of an eye and it was beyond my control as "Karen". I felt like I was suspended in space, the stars, darkness - this is where I "really" was, I could see it all around me like a hologram but at the same time my physical body was being projected into the 3D world around me. I could see that I was in two worlds at the same time.
My friends didn't recognize that I was different to begin with - no-one could see it yet. It suddenly felt like the real me was invisible, like a ghost in the universe residing inside of me and all around me. No-one had their eyes wide open enough to be able to see. And that is okay. I felt there was now an invisible veil between them and me and I could see beyond it into this "other world", but was still at the edges looking back into the 3D.
When I talked to my friends it now just felt like an act - my mind asking myself "What would Karen have said, how would she have laughed, how would the old me behave around my them?" The alignment I once felt with them had fallen away before I'd even got a chance to say goodbye or even know that I was "going". It's like you're suddenly in a different perspective looking down on your old self, the version of you that others have known you to be. It's such a sudden shift that it's almost like a spirit that doesn't know it's died, it just stays attached to the 3D because that's what it was used to and may not yet realize any different. But the old me was indeed going, vanishing. I didn't know it was my ego dissolving, how could I have known that back then?
So here I now was in this strange limbo, feeling oddly distant from my former self, friends and life and feeling drawn deeper into this unknown "darkness". The magnetic pull was frighteningly strong. Where was I going? What was happening? Why do I feel so isolated from the world around me and yet curious of this deeper sense of belonging "out there" pulling me in? To say I resisted the transition is an understatement. Curiosity killed the cat is what I believed. I remember crying in the shower once, grieving the death of another fragment of myself. For the initial 3 or 4 years I really fought hard to fight this magnetic pull. I honestly believed that if I gave in to it then I'd be sucked into a black hole of destruction. Again, I did not know it was the ego identity dying, I honestly felt I was losing my mind (in a way I was), that I was dying. I didn't know where I'd end up so I clung onto my old life, the old me, hoping one day I would return back to normal and the hoover in the sky which had set its sights on me would conk out :-D I believed I just had to fight it until it gave up on me.
I put on an even bigger mask than ever before during my initial awakening. It was clear my friends were not accepting the new me. It already felt like everything was falling away and so I was afraid of losing those around me even if they were't for my highest good. They were my sense of safety, I could hide behind them too. We went out partying lots and for about 4 years straight we would abuse alcohol every weekend to the point were I wouldn't even remember a few hours of most Friday and Saturday nights because of alcohol blackouts. I tried to make out I was the opposite of these deep spiritual truths arising within me - I played the joker in the group to avoid any serious conversations that might threaten my cover.
The Catalyst to My Awakening
My awakening had been triggered by an intense soul catalyst connection, some would call karmic. It was very destructive in bad and good ways, i.e. it was abusive but also acted like the tower card - breaking up the very foundations of falsehood, ego and too much 3D alignment which I had build my life upon, that we are all taught to build ourselves upon. I felt intensely drawn to him through this unbreakable magnetism and yet I tried to fight it so hard. It brought out the worst in me for a long time and I projected it all onto him relentlessly. I actually 100% believed it was his job to be what I wanted him to be. I was so resentful because he continue to deny me "what he owed me". He owed me nothing. But at that young age it never even crossed my mind that it wasn't his responsibility to fix me and give me all the love I was lacking in childhood and lacked for myself.
I would push him away because I thought he was responsible for all this destruction I was going through. He mirrored back to me all my childhood wounds of abandonment and rejection. It was horrendous and I felt I had to just get away from him. But the magnetic tie had not been broken no matter how horrible I or he had been. It was because I was trying to run away from myself, my pain that kept the bonds strong. If I could use a tarot card to describe that connection it would be The Devil card and no, not because I think he was the devil haha, for in truth he was an angel is a very good disguise!! But I would say we were The Devil energy because the bonds were everything that was not love. The soul contract was based on love yes - to help each other, but the 3D level was everything but love. It was shadows, shadows, shadows, and intense codependency.
But looking back it is SO OBVIOUS that I was no where near ready for true love. I did not love myself hardly at all. I was full of illusions and ridiculous expectations. I was not aligned with love, I didn't know what love was, so there was no way it was going to manifest with him, it wasn't even meant to.
It was a terrible time. I still felt incredibly isolated and yet at the same time closer to God. Friends saw all this destruction and abuse going on with him and didn't understand at all, even tried to interfere and force our connection to be over to "save me" to no avail. The ties cannot be cut until we've understood what our soul wants us to. The spell was only broken once I'd finally accepted he was not going to change, he was not going to fill in my voids. I still didn't fully comprehend that I had voids, that I was subconsciously seeking another to fix my childhood wounds. And I didn't understand at that time that it wasn't personal, that it wasn't that he chose not to love me, but really it was just not meant to happen like that, so he couldn't love me even if he had wanted to.
Being In The Spiritual-Closet
I was in the spiritual-closet the whole time, only daring to "test the waters" with some of my friends, but it back fired, they could not give me the validation nor the reassurance I was seeking in relation to my awakening and intuition. It only served to make me feel more disconnected from sanity.
For over a decade I was SO frightened of anyone knowing I had these spiritual beliefs. The thought of anyone finding out made me feel MORTIFIED - just the thought of it! I was so afraid of people thinking I was a crazy, delusional, pathetic, kumbuya-my-lord hippie! The way it would make me cringe was unbearable. There was a twin flame community I would regularly chat with others on and I remember asking a friend on there "Am I a fool?" when I was thinking of doing tarot readings online. I really did feel foolish. This must have been based upon some messages I was brought up on, but I felt like I was humiliating myself by letting my true authentic self be seen.
I had no confidence - how could I be in the limelight even just a little tiny bit? How could I face all the questions and judgement from people who didn't understand my beliefs or the pitying looks from those who would think I'd lost my grip on reality? I learned as a child to hide my true self from everyone. It was not safe for me to be me, I was not supported emotionally or encouraged to grow and blossom. The only sanctuary was behind my walls and masks and hiding away in my bedroom all day. When you feel as though parents aren't there to look after you, protect you, encourage or support you, then you feel your only safety in the world must be created by yourself. Children need to feel safe and when they don't they will run and hide emotionally. It becomes ingrained, you suffer with low confidence as an adult for a long time.
I began doing the readings though, but the only way I could face it was by using a pen name and a stock photo. We only had one computer in the house at that age (I was still living with my parents) and it was situated in the living room. I remember I would be working away on my website doing readings and writing twin flame articles and my parents would be on the other side of the room. Any time they came close I would quickly switch to another tab to make out I was doing something else on the computer. I would always have something generic open like Google or Myspace haha that I could quickly click onto if they walked by!
I even went as far as to buy voice changing software at one point so I could record channelings to post on my old website!!! I WANTED to express my truth but was just so incredibly afraid. The recorded channelings soon came to an end though when my Dad saw the voice changing software on the computer and asked "What's this?!" and I offered him a look of confusion and shrug of my shoulders to deny any recognition of it so he deleted it in case it was a virus that put it on there! X-D!!
It sounds crazy the lengths I went to yes?! Does it help you to see that perhaps your twin's actions aren't so crazy?? A part of me felt guilty as though I was lying with all these masks I was wearing, but at the same time I felt this incredible pull to get my message out there somehow. Spirit is telling me now that I had to experience this hiding in order to help other's understand their twin's better now.
I lied to my family and even some friends and especially acquaintances for over a decade about what my real job was because I was so afraid of being judged and them asking more questions as I sat there squirming in humiliation. When applying for bank accounts or anything formal like that where I had to state my occupation I would write something generic like "website director". It never felt safe to share my truth with my parents or family. It would have fallen on deaf ears. It often felt like they looked through my brother and I rather than truly being present. I realize now that it was a reflection of their own wounding, but when you are a child you just take it personally and feel unworthy. It becomes a habit to be in hiding, second nature.
When you learn to isolate yourself for your whole life your energy also gets used to feeling comfortable and safe in that isolation. It can be hard to let anyone get too close. It doesn't mean you don't want closeness or love, it means there's this subconscious energetic pattern that's so second nature that you don't realize how much it's going on let alone how to heal it and tell your inner child it's okay to come out of hiding now.
If you would like to heal your inner child and any other wounds or blocks then my Healing Violet Flame Meditation is specifically designed to transmute dense energies into healing love and light.
Meeting My Twin Flame
My true twin flame came into my life because I had given up on believing in twin flames! I'd got to a point where I no longer needed a twin flame because I no longer had faith that they even existed. And then he appeared! I noticed very early on a stark contrast between my real twin flame connection and the karmic connection whom I was once 100% positive was my twin! With my real twin there has always been a core underlying energy of love, peace, nurturing, healing, rising, hope, peaceful excitement, growth, longevity, innocence, shared understanding (we are on the same page) and joy. It's a feeling that calms me, heals me, supports me and uplifts me. It's the stark opposite of what I felt with the catalyst connection - that was an underlying feeling of electricity, danger, fear, depression, doubt, struggle to try and hold up the connection and keep a hold of him (my soul knew deep down it wouldn't last forever). It felt like it was always slipping through my fingers on some level.
My true twin flame always supports my growth, wants to see me happy and thriving, is on the same page, it just feels RIGHT, flowing, natural. Yes there are sometimes ups and downs but we try to smooth out the kinks as soon as possible and fall back again into the natural feeling of harmony. With a true twin the ups and downs become fewer and less severe rather than more severe and more often with karmics. My twin shares the same fears as myself, the same childhood wounding to do with isolating ourselves. There's no doubt that he loves me. With the karmic catalyst, I was always questioning if he loved me and trying to twist his abuse into a completely different meaning which I told myself reflected his love for me! One uplifts and heals over time, the other drags you down, eats away at your self-esteem and gets worse until you finally HAVE to leave to save yourself.
So where am I at on my healing and awakening journey right now? Only a few months ago did I dare to reach out for the first time for help from a healer, a counsellor. Before that I would tell myself I could heal myself all on my own. I was very resistant to getting close and trusting a therapist to reveal all my truths and vulnerabilities. I always wanted to appear strong and in control.
I still struggle to be myself around family. We still never talk about emotions. But I've come to realize that this journey into authenticity doesn't mean we have to say "This is who I am like it or lump it" to every single person we cross paths with. It's okay to accept that my parents won't understand where I am coming from so there is little point trying to force a square peg through a round hole. A part of having healthy boundaries and balance is to know when to preserve your energies and to know when it feels good a healthy to express yourself. It's always about balance - the integration of both polarities - knowing when to be totally authentic and knowing when it may not serve you to be totally open (to those who may abuse the privilege).
I struggle to allow people too close a lot of the time. It's because I pick up on other' energies so acutely and I need a lot of alone time to recharge. And also because I never received feedback or validation as a child that I was a good, lovable, kind, smart, beautiful person or anything positive like that I always felt I was no good, mediocre, unlovable and so always assumes others would not accept me either.
I did experienced a lot of energy vampires growing up who took advantage of me in all sorts of different ways, majorly over-stepping my boundaries and so it creates a deep fear of being open and receptive and it's not always logical or makes sense. But it's not that I don't want closeness with people, it's just this alignment with isolation on an energetic level. Twin flames WANT union, they want to be healed, they want love, it's just all these fears, patterns, miss-alignments that cause us to NOT BE ABLE to receive that or create that union in the physical until we have reconnected with our true essence within and learned to love ourselves enough to not feel the need to hide away.
I hope my article has helped you to look more deeply into what's going on within your twin flame and within yourself rather than feeling hurt by surface appearances. I hope it brings you some comfort and peace.
Thank you everyone for listening and allowing me to express my truth. It is so incredibly healing for me. And thank you my beautiful twin flame for truly listening to me, wanting to hear and embrace who I truly am and see me blossom into my truth whilst you courageously heal yourself and value this journey. You have been my biggest supporter and have help me beyond words to get to this point where I am obviously so far beyond the fear that I used to be caged within.
Love and Light to you all beautiful twins!